i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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