Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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