I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
