If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My ATM looks so different sober.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
