How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Randomize
