Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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