Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
