You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
