took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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