im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
