I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
