my phone needs a breathalizer
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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