My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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