I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
