Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
