Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
