Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
