y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
