I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
