Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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