My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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