I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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