you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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