Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
