im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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