Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
