I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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