she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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