omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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