Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
