Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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