I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
