the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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