I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
