mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
