Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
