fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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