theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
