Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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