You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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