but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
