he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
