If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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