Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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