the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
