I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
