I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Randomize
