I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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