It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
