Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
