What a fucking waste of an outfit
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
